


The Very Secret Diary of Prince John

by meridian_rose (meridianrose)



Category: Robin Hood (BBC 2006)
Genre: Crack, Episode Related, Gen, Very Secret Diary, co-author starbuck-a-dale
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-10-01
Updated: 2009-10-01
Packaged: 2018-01-11 01:55:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1167230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meridianrose/pseuds/meridian_rose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You know how these diary things go by now...Prince John confides in his diary.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Day 1-11 (Episode 3.6)

**Author's Note:**

> Co-written with [starbuck-a-dale](http://starbuck-a-dale.livejournal.com/profile) (not currently an author at AO3 afaik)

Dear Diary  
You do love me, don’t you? My _last_ diary, now I _thought_ that that one loved me, but it betrayed my trust. Yes, that’s right. Spilled its filthy secrets to any person that could read, no less! Well, let’s not talk about that right now. That diary will _never_ be able to tell anyone _anything_ , ever again.

…still, I hope I can trust _you_. I’d absolutely _hate_ to have to mistreat another diary so harshly…

You love me? Oh, good.

Day 1

Some scruffy vagabond showed up, all straggly hair and eyeliner. He had a certain naïve charm, but it would help if he pulled himself together a bit. Knelt and fawned like a wounded puppy, so didn’t have him executed. Apparently he’s actually some sort of noble from Nottingham. He blamed the missing tax money on Vaizey’s incompetence.

Asked him if he loved me. He looked a bit stunned and said “Yes, my Lord. Of course.” As well he should.

Decided to be magnanimous and give him the benefit of the doubt…I’m not sure why. Maybe I’m sickening for something.

Day 2

Ordered my royal hairdresser to do something with Sir Guy’s emo hair. He’s got potential but if I have to look at that awful bloody bird’s nest a moment longer I may go mad. Then packed him off with some of my soldiers, a really expensive ~~embroidered duvet~~ map and a lion we had left over from the Christmas party.

Guy promised to kill Robin Hood in my honour. Perhaps he can succeed where Vaizey’s failed. This whole ‘Robin Hood’ saga is starting to sound like a badly-written play.

Guy said he loved me. Yay me.

Day 5

Not heard anything from Guy for days. Bored of waiting for taxes. Also none of the peasants here seem to love me. Something about no bread to eat. Told them to eat pudding. I was pretty pleased with it, but they didn’t seem to find it funny. Had a few of them executed so there’d be more food to go round but there’s no pleasing the poor. Also, can’t one of the filthy creatures have a decent disease? Palmer can’t find a single case of scrofula. He’s not looking hard enough, I wager.

Day 6

Still no taxes, no Guy, no scrofula to cure. So bored. Told Palmer we’re going on a trip to Nottingham. Someone had better have some answers for me when I get there. I still haven’t forgiven Vaizey for spectacularly failing to kill Richard.

Day 7

Had Guy brought to me early this morning. Swore he loved me, but honestly, he didn’t even bring me the lion back. And Hood is not dead. Again. I’m starting to doubt Guy’s love for me. Gave him new mission: kill Vaizey. Someone is going to pay for all this incompetence. I need the tax money to keep ~~myself looking pretty~~ the kingdom from going to rack and ruin while my idiot brother is off playing soldiers.

Sent Palmer off as decoy, though he’s nowhere near as handsome as I am and probably won’t fool anyone.

Day 8

Arrived in Nottingham. Vaizey still alive. I am _not_ pleased. Met Guy’s sister, Isabella. What a ~~fox~~ fine young woman. I think her and I are going to be good friends.

Told Vaizey to kill Guy. Now that’s going to be fun to watch! Maybe they’ll somehow kill each other at the same time and I can appoint new staff all round, ones who are suitably in awe of my greatness.

Palmer showed up and called me a coward. Had him arrested for pretending to be me.

Day 9

Went out to Locksley. This is where Robin Hood hangs around when he’s not breaking into Nottingham Castle, apparently. The great unwashed were out for some kind of awful wedding. Just what we need, more peasant babies. Told soldiers to burn church down. For some reason Isabella got all upset about doing it while it was full of villagers. Well I’ve got to keep the population down _somehow_. Anyway, all of this anguish made her ~~bosom heave~~ delightfully flushed.

Went home for nap. Later Isabella showed up with her bodice torn open ~~unfortunately~~ luckily only part way. She told us a dreadfully exciting tale of how she valiantly beat off the outlaws one by one, and said “Long Live King John” in such breathless adoration that I had to send all the courtiers out so I could have a Moment.

Day 10

Palmer found a case of scrofula so I reluctantly postponed his execution. Ho hum. I want to see _someone_ get it in the neck today though. I wonder what’s become of Guy and Vaizey?

Day 11

Peasant refused to heal, what is it with these people! Don’t they love me? The traitorous wench must have had the wrong kind of scrofula. I would have had her executed, but there was a minor kerfuffle that I don’t particularly feel like talking about.

Oh, finally, Vaizey is dead. I’d have preferred it to be Robin, but I wouldn’t have minded if had been Guy. At this point, I’d have settled for Palmer, but someone was going to die today on my orders or I’m not ~~King~~ Prince John!

Blamed Sheriff’s death on Robin (who else) and now I suppose I have to make Guy the new Sheriff. Give him one day before he’s cocked that up too.

Isabella kept calling “King John”. Think she loves me, and why wouldn’t she?

Oh yes, Long Live Me. :)


	2. Day 12-17 (Episode 3.7)

Day 12  
Had brilliant idea to start my own mineral water range. Peasants can buy it by the barrel with my insignia on it – I _wanted_ my portrait on it, but the painter wasn’t doing a good enough job of rendering my beautiful likeness and I had ~~him executed~~ to let him go.

Day 13  
No-one is buying my water even though it’s royally approved! They should love me enough to buy it but _apparently_ commoners think it’s acceptable to drink out of the river or any old well they come across! Frogs pee in there, you know. _And_ do worse things. I swear, the proles are positively _disgusting_. 

Day 14  
In a cunning marketing strategy for my delicious eau minerale I’ve cut off the water supply to the masses. Now they’ll love me and _my_ water, or die of thirst! Bwah hah hah!

Later  
Turns out there’s still some water in the river and wells and this is going to take time to drain. Wish someone had told me that before I prematurely used my evil laugh. Still, not long now before they all come crawling for my superior product. 

Day 15  
 _Finally_ the water supply has dried up. People will _have_ to pay for mine now. Ha. Suddenly struck by crushing disappointment when I realised I couldn't go skinny dipping with Isabella any more. I should have taken my chance while I had it. Ah, hindsight.

Talking of which, Isabella thinks I’m hot. Me-ow. Her brother looked downright jealous at all the attention she was paying me. _Really_ , I know they both love me, but there’s plenty of John to go around. Guy started pouting and whining and I kindly pointed out that he is sheriff in all but name – just without the title, power, castle…

...wait, that’s what that traitorous Sir Sidney said to me about my being King…I wonder if he’s still alive? Forgot to tell the servants to feed him before I came to Nottingham. Oh well, what's done is done. It's in God's hands now. 

Was going to cut Guy in on my water ~~scam~~ provision but he just didn’t get it. I'm starting to have misgivings about him. He's just a little bit...well, _thick_. 

For some reason the foolish peasants still adore Robin Hood more than they love me. Can't be his cologne, what is it; Eau-de-horse-manure? Maybe that I-sleep-in-the-forest hair? Peasants are one thing, but _then_ I spotted Isabella getting up close and too personal with the outlaw when she thought I wasn't looking. I would have shouted for the guards, but they’re incompetent and I have a better way to use this to my advantage.

Took Isabella to the dungeons – she seemed astonished it wasn’t some sort of euphemism. The whole sorry family's a bit perverted if you ask me. Showed her the water ~~scam~~ idea and at least _she_ seemed to understand it. No doubt she’ll go running off straight away to betray me to Hood but I'll be ready for him. When I catch him the people will finally realise they love _me_ and not him.

Day 16  
Guy dared to doubt my royal eyesight and even had the temerity to suggest I misread seeing his sister kissing up to Hood. Explained about my brilliant plan, but again, blankness. God, but he’s slow to catch on. Why did Vaisey keep him around so long? Must be the tight leathers. Told him to deal with Hood and Isabella or else. He said he loved me the most –yay me -but then ruined it by starting to witter. Got bored and sent him on his not-so-merry way.

Later  
Generous to a fault, I took some water to the peasants – was going to give them the first barrel for free to whet –ha- their appetite, but the cheeky unwashed little buggers had one of barrels already, courtesy of that prancing ninny Robin Hood. Outraged by the fact they didn't have the good grace to wait patiently for the charity of their ~~king~~ prince I did the only thing I could do: charge them through the nose for it. There was _some_ bleating about how water is necessary to live – I don't think they realised that that’s the whole point; stupid creatures. If they don’t love me, they’ll bloody well fear me or I’m not ~~King~~ Prince John. Anyway, they were going to have to pay for it sooner or later. Might as well start as we mean to go on. 

Even later  
Was rather surprised to have a scarecrow brought before me. On closer inspection found it was actually a peasant. Looked vaguely familiar but can’t think why; they all look alike to me. She was of course in love with Hood (aren't they _all_?) and very rude, so I had her thrown in the dungeons.

Evening:  
Sir Guy told me Robin Hood was dead. Yippee! Also Isabella. Pity about that one, but there are plenty more nobles where she came from. I announced Guy's appointment as the new Sheriff. Let’s see how long he can keep hold of the title.

Later that evening  
 _Such_ a long day! Took Guy to the dungeons to play with the captive. Unfortunately Hood and Isabella were there and **were not dead**. Angry beyond belief at Guy. Fired him immediately, then got beaten up by outlaw; NOT happy about this. Got thrown in well with Isabella. Cold, wet, miserable, and _still_ not King. Tempted to suggest skinny dipping then and there, but Bella didn't seem in the mood. 

Day 17  
Now I have to find a new sheriff, I suppose. Damn Guy and his great hair (which, of course is all thanks to me.) Who can possibly fill his place?  
Starting to wonder if should have inspected Vaisey’s body to make sure it really was him and not a fake since Guy proved to be so duplicitous – wait a second, that gives me an idea...


	3. Day 25-31 (Episode 3.8)

Day 25  
In a stroke of brilliance I’ve roped Sheridan, keeper of ~~my~~ the crown, into helping me. He’s having a waxwork made of brother Dicky so I can pretend he’s dead and seize the throne. It’s an ingenious plan, even if I do say so myself.  
Unfortunately have had to impose a “candle tax” to get enough wax to do the job properly. Hope no-one notices...

...I'm sure it'll be _fine_. 

Day 26  
Told Sheridan to hurry it up, or else. In other news, my hair looks fabulous; Guy is still skulking about as an outlaw; Isabella keeps giving me flirtatious looks. Life is good. 

Day 27  
Gave the performance of a lifetime when coffin arrived. I was all: “Noooo!” and grief-stricken; totally convincing. Told the people I was thankful for their sympathy and their love – didn’t mention that the latter is _required_ or there’ll be hell to pay when I’m king, although if they haven't picked it up by now then it's probably hopeless.  
In the interests of stability and national security *snerk* the Archbishop will crown me when he gets here. There were a few disgruntled murmurs at that – don’t think I’m not taking names, peasants! – but how could I stay angry when Sheridan announced “The King is dead, long live the King!”

Oh yes, “Long Live Me!”

Everybody had to kneel. It was _marvellous_. Must get crowned more often

Day 28  
Archbishop arrived and showed him the waxwork body. Annoying old coot still sharp enough to question why it wasn’t all rotten after a month at sea. Damn, forgot the Holy Land is so far away. Muttered about the Moors embalming stuff. _I_ heard they have mummies just running about all over the place. Sneaky Archbishop – can never remember his name so we'll just call him Archie - still suspicious and wanting to know why he wasn’t informed but Sheridan gave some sort cover story that seemed to finally shut him up. 

I told Archie that I needed to be King before civil war and stuff broke out. Used word interregnum; v. pleased with self, word of day calendar _finally_ coming in useful. Archie _still_ not satisfied, the sourpuss. He said he wanted to talk to the Royal Council. I reminded him I am the rightful heir. Promised to hold a state funeral, yada yada, and then slipped in how I’m making my seat, Nottingham, the new capital of England. It’s got a big river, some stinky peasants, a castle – no-one will even notice the difference.  
At long last Archie agreed. Yay me! Almost king!

Evening  
Threw a pre-coronation party. We played stick the pin in a city – lucky I brought my embroidered duvet/map of England with me. Managed to offload some of the smellier towns to my delight. Nottingham however is mine. Anyone sticking a pin in it gets their hand chopped off. If they're _lucky_.  
Isabella tried flirting with me again. Apparently she wants to be Sheriff. After all that _literal_ kissing up to Hood there’s more chance of me moving to Swindon, missy. Though she _would_ look good in the leathers, I’m sure. Had to promise to let her have a chance to prove herself before she’d shut up and let me enjoy the party.  
Sheridan showed up and said he loved me with all his heart :) Yay me. Told him to watch out for ~~the minx~~ Isabella. He said we had to go to the abbey to “finish up”. Yawn.

Night  
It was so much fun! I really did prefer the waxwork to flesh and blood Dicky. I just wish it was him I could have pounded to death. He was always mummy’s favourite, and _just_ because he was potty trained quicker.  
Sheridan looked at me like I was mad – which, for the record, is likely to make me even worse, and probably order his execution. He‘d better not betray me. There’s a lot of that going around. Must be something in the water here – which to my credit I _did_ try to fix just a couple of weeks ago...some people just won’t be helped.  
Ordered the “body” burnt. By the time anyone finds out it’s not Dicky I’ll be King John. And since a country can’t have two kings and I’m already crowned and sitting on the throne while Dicky’s been away fighting heathen embalmers, what with possession being nine tenths of the law and all that, the honour will fall to me. And I’ll make sure my lawyers and the council think so, or some council members are going to have some _serious_ shaving accidents.

Day 29  
Oh, the crown is so pretty! And it’s going to fit _my_ head much better than it ever did Dicky's oversized cranium. My destiny is about to be fulfilled!  
Sheridan took it away :(  
But it’s safe in the dungeons I suppose. It’s not as if just anyone can get into or out of there….wait, that happens every damn week according to Vaisey’s diary (which makes surprisingly fun bedtime reading, actually). So ordered Sheridan to spice things up a bit. Sir Joseph’s unusual souvenirs of his travels do sometimes come in handy, although the less said about that bloody lion the better.

After lunch I met with Archie to talk about my coronation. I have a theme picked out, “Out of the darkness, into the light”; which will be true now we have plenty of candles again. I’ve ordered the guards to polish their shields until they can see their ugly faces in them, the better to reflect my glory. Picky old Archie whined about the poor so I compromised on the cost: rubies instead of diamonds. Anyhow, rubies suit my hair better.

Later  
Damn Hood! Scary traps, big nasty scorpions Joseph specially brought me from the Holy Land, and he _still_ grabbed my crown. Archie is a big meanie and won’t accept any substations for it. For God's sake, it's just a metal hat!

The upshot is, if I want my investiture to take place anytime soon I need Sheridan to retrieve it. 

Isabella took me to her room, which seemed promising. It was all dark and romantic, though in retrospect this may have been due to the lack of candles – _hasn’t she been shopping yet?_ Unfortunately it was only that she’d captured her brother. Even worse, Guy had escaped, and my nicely wrapped present was just some random maidservant. To add insult to injury Gisbourne held a blade to the royal throat!  
Worst of all, he flung me into a post and now I’m bleeding my precious blue blood from my beautiful nose. If it’s damaged, I’ll _kill_ Isabella. I have to look perfect for my coronation.  
Had her arrested for aiding and abetting an attempt to assassinate the (almost) monarch and for assault, just for good measure. I’m _also_ charging her for my cleaning bill; she got blood on my favourite shirt!

Night  
Sheridan got my crown back! Yay me! I told him he could have Isabella as a reward. I’m bored of her now. And I _think_ I made him Sheriff; to be quite honest I can't remember, I was too busy admiring the crown and fantasising about my coronation. I’m going to look so lovely!

Day 30  
Couldn’t sleep, was too excited, so got up at four am and woke Archie up. My coronation happens today!

Crowd loves me! Rose petals everywhere. I feel like a bride. No, wait, I feel like a groom and England is my bride and when I’m her King and husband we’ll finally see who’s _really_ the boss around here!

Day 31  
I’m packing. Yesterday, my big day, was ruined and I couldn’t bear to even write about it until now. There I was, all anointed with oils, standing there with the sceptre of justice – so useful for hitting naysayers about the head with – _and_ draped with the robe of righteousness, looking gorgeous as I'm sure you can imagine. Archie was just about to put the crown on my head when the doors were flung open to reveal some shimmering thing that bellowed that it was “King Richard, Duke of the Normans and the Aquitanians.”  
Note to self, find out if we still _have_ that timeshare in France. Bet Aquitanians don’t have outlaws all over the place and I could do with a nice holiday.

Anyway, Sheridan, for some reason (again, I can only imagine it’s the water) started cowering and confessing. It obviously wasn't Dicky but before I could do anything, Sheridan had blabbed my wonderful scheme to Archie. I flung him manfully aside and announced we would continue. It was _my_ glorious moment after all. And if Archie wasn’t playing ball (treason? I’ll show him treason!), I’d do it myself. I was about to crown myself King of England when an arrow hit my beautiful coronet and flung it away. Hurt my fingers, too.

The sun went in – and so it damn well should, the theme was “out of the darkness” and now it had all gone to hell. Everyone could see it was just Robin Hood impersonating my brother. Cheeky wolfshead said _I_ was impersonating the King. I wanted to have him arrested for slander but Archie was having none of it.

As if _that_ wasn’t bad enough, Guy picked up my crown and then dared to try and shoot at me. Not sure what happened next as Isabella got in the way, but somehow I ended up flung on the floor in a very un-regal fashion. I busied myself trying to get the crown but that scarecrow-haired peasant from the other week stole it and Archie wouldn’t let my guards go after her. Small comfort: apparently Guy got shot by Robin. Hope it gets infected. He’s in a cell now.

So, _still_ not King. I’ve had enough of this awful place. I’m going back to London and maybe check out those holiday plans. If I’ve anything _left_ to take on holiday, given the way these incompetents are manhandling my precious luggage. Decided to take Sheridan with me; thinking of feeding him to the alligator Sir Joseph brought back from his travels. Oh, and had to make Isabella the new sheriff. Something about saving my life, plus no other handy candidates lying about. She promised me she’d have Robin in prison when I got back from my hols. Believe _that_ when I see it.


	4. Day 44 - 1299 (Episode 3.9 and beyond)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, PJ didn’t appear onscreen in the later episodes but he was behind the scenes, being a driving force for the action for the rest of the show.  
> Thanks to rochvelleth for her timeline and reminder that “historical accuracy can be left, as always, by the wayside”…

Day 44  
Ah, Aquitaine. The weather is fantastic and the wine is wonderful. The food, however, leaves a lot to be desired. I thought the peasants at _home_ ate disgusting things, but over here even the nobles are revolting. They eat snails. _Snails_ for God's sake! And remember how dirty frogs are? These fools eat their legs! Granted, eating the whole thing would be marginally worse, but come _on_. It's as if the cow never made it as far as here. 

I'm still absolutely _furious_ with Archie. I think something needs to be done about him. Churchman or not, no-one defies ~~king~~ Prince John. He might have the Pope's support, but England is a long way from Rome, and I have a lot of powerful friends that are going to be _rather_ unhappy about his lack of backbone. Rest assured, he won't be Archbishop much longer. 

Day 48  
Got a note from dear old Bella, forwarded from London. Apparently she’s sent me some gold that was just _lying about_ in Sherwood. It's waiting for me back in the capital. That'll be a nice welcome home present...from me to me, with best wishes. Oh, wait, there's more, it turns out...something about her husband Thornton... She ran away because…well, I don’t really care. Skip to the end...

Ok, here we are: “He is now dead and I will never mention him again. Please accept the aforementioned gold as a token of my humblest apologies. I hope we can consider the matter closed”

...Good lord, she's sent a picture too. Well, consider me satisfied - Her sheriff’s get-up is a _lot_ more becoming than Vaisey's ever was. 

Day 50  
Managed to swing an invite to a banquet with Philip, King of France. Will probably have to eat more disgusting creatures (v. bad) but it’s always a good idea to suck up to the local nobility.

Day 53  
God, but the French know how to party. Still hungover. My head feels like something crawled inside and died. More tomorrow when the room stops spinning. At least I'm onto the dry heaves now. 

Day 54  
Sent Bella a naughty postcard. It had an instructional woodcut of some of the more interesting mysteries of the Orient on one side. I had to wrap it in brown parchment or it'll be practically _sticky_ by the time it gets to her. 

Day 60  
Copies of English news scrolls arrived, yay! London Bridge _still_ not finished. For God's sake! That thing'll never get done under Richard. He's too busy beheading Muslims to care about London... Wait a minute, maybe I can put that in a speech or something. Sounds pretty good. 

Also some sort of disturbance in York. Yawn.

Day 70  
Brother Dicky's been captured! That'll teach the bloody show-off a lesson. I heard he's being held by Leopold V, Duke of Austria. Told him sending that crappy fruit basket last Christmas was a bad choice of gift. The ransom's absolutely _astronomical._ Oh well, never mind; I’ve got a few pennies somewhere. *grin*

Day 72  
Making nice with Philip was _definitely _a good plan. It was almost worth eating the hindquarters of so many cursed frogs. And I still don't know how you're supposed to get snails out of their shells without making an appalling mess, but I digress.  
The point is, I persuaded my new friend Phil to help me write a nice letter to Leopold, reminding him of the stupid fruit basket and generally asking if he could hold onto Dicky for a while. It would make all of our lives _so_ much easier.__

Day 80  
Terrible news! Apparently the castle at Nottingham has been destroyed. My beautiful castle!  
Reports are somewhat unreliable as of yet but I hear Vaizey was there. Guy didn't even manage to get _that_ right. Maybe I should have him hunted down, chop off his head and shove a wooden stake through his heart. Cousin Vlad says that'll work on anyone. 

No news of Bella, but I’ll reserve judgement until I see a body, given Vaizey’s reappearance. Many report Gisborne dead (finally) but again, since the body was inside the castle…note to self, maybe write to Romania to see what Vlad makes of it. Corpses re-animate all the time over there. I categorically do _not_ want to go home to an army of the undead.

Day 82  
More reports: Robin Hood is dead!  
Did my happy dance. Still a little concerned about the prospects of a zombie plague but I'll worry about that later. 

Day 84  
Remember that thing about the undead? Someone reported seeing “a hooded figure astride a fine horse, shooting burning arrows at the counting house”. It yelled, “You can never kill me for we are Robin Hood!”.  
 _Not_ pleased.  
Sketch artist included a picture – not as fetching as the one of Bella, of course – and I think he took bit of artistic license if you ask me. Horses generally do _not_ fly. And if they do, why has nobody given me one? The scruffy woman in the foreground looked to be that silly scrofulous blonde who loves Robin Hood– why wasn’t *she* in the castle when it exploded?! And I assume that’s more artistic licence or the giant in the background is the large man of Hood’s gang.  
They call him Little John. I’m sure I’d find that funnier if I hadn’t heard one of the courtiers giggling after referring to me as “Good King John”. If I find out which one it was, he’s for the very literal chop.

Day 90  
Letter from Henry copied to me and Philip:

_“Dear Losers; have had better offer from the foxy Eleanor of Aquitaine. Richard will be released soon. Regards, Henry._  
p.s. He may have sent me a crappy Christmas gift but I received nothing from either of you cheap gits.”

Great. Now I’m looking over my shoulder for mummy.  
The holiday started *so* well.

Day 100  
Back in England. Confronted mumsy. She said she’s paying the ransom, no arguments. And she’s pawning *my* crown jewels to do it! Don’t even know where she got the blasted crown from.  
Had a ~~hissy fit~~ reasoned argument and went to my room.  
In other news, also crown related, Sheridan escaped being eaten by alligator. There’s just *no* justice.

 

Day 110  
Brother Dicky arrived home. We shook hands and I ~~cried like a baby~~ asked manfully for his forgiveness in case he wanted to run me through with his sword.  
He said I could be next in line for the throne! Yay me. And he looks a bit pale, you know. I don’t think they fed him much in Austria. So, how long can it possibly be before I’m King John _now_?

Day 1299  
My coronation!  
Now everyone will see what a great king I can be!  
Finally, I’m King :)


End file.
